Paint Wars
by damn you gravity
Summary: AUish. Han and Luke are commisioned by Mon Mothma to do a job when they take over The Imperial Palace, it goes a bit wrong though.
1. Chapter 1, An agreement

**Hello! This story is kinda random, actually it's really random. Came up with it whilst painting a very small room... Oh by the way, it's kind of AU, set after ROTJbut Han and Leia aren't together yet. I think that's everything. **

**Hope you enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything**

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**Chapter 1, An agreement**

"You want us to what!" Han Solo asked Mon Mothma angrily as she put across the proposal, hoping that he had misheard her, the table was that long...

"It won't take long, General. After all, we have got a lot more help since we took over the Imperial Palace," Mon Mothma tried to reason with the angry Solo.

"I don't care how much man power we have, the fact I have to do something which someone else could do is what I'm annoyed about!" Han shouted back across the long table.

"As I said, it won't take long! And it could be fun!" Came the reply, "you're all being assigned to different rooms, it won't take all that long!"

"That's the third time you've said it won't take long!"

"Because it won't!"

"It will! You know what the guys you'll rope in are like! Before you know it, you've got your next three months occupied!" Han yelled back.

"Oh shut up and get on with it, Solo!"

"Why should I!"

Mon Mothma sighed and gave in.

"I'll pay you!" She shouted, meaning to do nothing of the sort, suddenly Han's whole attitude changed.

"Okay," he shrugged, "how much?"

"Fifty credits!"

"A hundred!"

"Not on your life, General!"

"Fine, seventy five!"

"Sixty!" Mon Mothma reasoned.

"Seventy, final offer." Han gave her a lop sided smile and Mon Mothma felt herself fall into his infamous trap.

"Seventy, shall we shake on it?"

"I'm not up to the mile walk," Han smiled, gesturing to the table, "seventy five credits, per room."

He left before Mon Mothma could argue.

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**Random enough yet? Oh yeah, I forgot, I was also hyper on sugar when I wrote this (he he). Please review and tell me what you think...**


	2. Chapter 2, Extra help

**Hey, another short chapter, the next one's longer though. Thank you PrincessZeldaSkywalker for the review.**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything****

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Chapter 2, Extra help

"No way," Luke objected the second Han told him.

"C'mon, Luke, seventy five credits per room, I know you need the money!" Han didn't feel like begging with the kid, but he couldn't be bothered to do the whole thing himself, not that they expected him to.

"I'm not painting the whole bloody palace, Han," Luke almost laughed, "and don't bother with puppy-dog eyes! They may work on my sister, but not me!"

"I picked the smallest room for us to do!" Han sighed.

"Good for you, go and ask Wes or someone," Luke waved him away.

"Don't you act all high and mighty with me, kid," Han warned him, "Your beloved sister does enough of that!"

"Han, I heard you're painting my room," Leia said as she entered the room, Han almost strangling her brother.

"Yeah, smallest room I could find," Han informed her sourly.

"Well, just make sure you do a good job!" She left and Han made a face at her back.

"See what I mean, now come on; we've got a room to paint!" Han ordered Luke, who sighed and followed the grump General.

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**As I said, next chapter is longer**


	3. Chapter 3, With a little help etc

**Longer chapter! Just as I said. this is where it gets seriously random, you get to find out more stuff about the emperor, whether you want to know is different.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything and don't plan to

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Chapter 3, With a little help etc.

"Wow, this really is a small room," Luke thought aloud as they entered the small bedroom, full of strange Empire stuff and a small bed. It was a square of about four metres with a small alcove just by the door of about quarter of a metre by half a metre where the bed was. "Do we have to clear it out?"

"Looks like it, get Wes or Wedge, they can take that small, poisonous looking plant," Han said as he picked up, what looked like, a crushed Vader helmet and threw it out of the door. "We'll get rid of the mattress on the bed, then move the bed about as we paint, but we'll put down plastic sheets first to cover the floor," Han told Luke the plan, but Luke wasn't listening.

"What's this?" Luke asked in disgust as he picked up a strange yellow thing.

"Looks like a rubber chicken..." Han pointed out as he looked briefly at the thing in Luke's hand.

"Kinda beat up rubber chicken," he thought for a second, "this was the Emperor's room, right?"

"Yep."

"Why did the Emperor have a rubber chicken in his room?"

"People have strange fetishes, Luke," Han said, throwing a few pairs of socks and underwear out of the room, "well; I never would have guessed Mr. Palpatine wore boxers..."

"I didn't want to know, Han."

"Well you do now, what you got there?"

"Paint brushes," Luke said proudly, "must have been an artistic soul!"

"Wow, I never knew the Emperor that well."

"Han, you never met the Emperor!" Luke pointed out angrily.

"Yeah, but I was frozen in carbonate by his right hand man," Han replied with certain pride that he had survived.

"Not the same, anyway, is this paint or mould?" Luke asked, pointing at a stain on the carpet.

"Mould."

"Ew."

"Nah, just kidding, it's paint," Han changed his mind, "or is it mould? I dunno, go find a mould expert."

"Or a paint expert," Luke pointed out.

"I doubt you get many of those."

"I'll go ask Vader then!" Luke jumped up, happy to get away from the cleaning out.

"Vader is being whipped into working, Luke, I don't think he'll be able to get away to check out whether something is paint or mould," Han told him, rolling his eyes.

"How are you boys doing?" Leia asked, walking in, only to get her arms filled with random stuff. "Han, what are you doing?" Luke walked past her with a rubber chicken in each hand.

"Making you help!" Han growled.

"Tough, I've got a meeting. Hang on; is that a half eaten sandwich?" She asked looking at something in the pile of stuff in her arms.

"Probably, Luke found a beaten up rubber chicken and _I_ found a smashed up Vader helmet," Han announced, "could you dump all that outside, Princess?"

"Try no, I'm already late. Do it yourself, fly boy," Leia snapped back, dropping all the stuff onto the floor and something smashed.

"That could be dangerous you know," Han said, talking about whatever had smashed.

"Sort it out then." Leia smiled before walking out the door.

"What if I die?" Han called after her.

"I'll cry a bit at your funeral!" Leia called back, "happy?" Han grumbled a bit, but found out that what had smashed had only been a snow globe of Hoth.

"Why the hell does he have a snow globe!" Han asked no one in particular.

"Because this Emperor was a weirdo!" Luke shouted, jumping into the room in a star shape.

"Don't be so bloody energetic," Han snapped, Leia turning up had annoyed him, especially as she hadn't helped at all.

"Wacko!" Luke carried on about the Emperor. "Idiot! Short dead dude!"

"I wouldn't say that!" The Emperor said, entering the room with a sneer.

"BUT YOU'RE DEAD!" Han and Luke screamed in unison.

"Yeah, I saw you die!" Luke carried on.

"Well, I'm full of surprises!" The Emperor smiled, "where's my rubber chicken?"

"Outside," Luke grumbled, unhappy that his enemy had survived a very long fall.

"Okay," the Emperor said with a scarily sweet smile and he left to look for his chickens, whistling 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life'.

"What a strange little man," Han said, shaking his head, "hey, I've met him now!"

"Yes Han."

"Hey, is this a picture of the Emperor with Elvis Parsnip?" Han asked, picking up a photo in a silver frame.

"Presley," Luke corrected him, "you have no music knowledge, Han."

"How true, Presley, you say. Tom Jones is crap," Han stated.

"How did we go from Elvis to Tom Jones?" Luke asked, confused.

"Is little Luke confuzzled?" Wes Janson asked as he entered the room, "hey guys, I got bored with one of the corridors' and decided to help you instead!"

"Yay," Han said sarcastically. Luke brightened up and waved to Wes who waved back just as enthusiastically.

"Hey Wes!"

"Hey Lukie!"

"Don't call me that."

"You look scary when you do that!" Wes pointed at Luke's grumpy face.

"Janson, if you're here to help, then help," Han snapped, throwing some random crap at Wes which he caught and turned up his nose.

"Is that a mouldy packet of crisps?" He asked after a moment.

"No, the crisps inside are probably mouldy though," Han pointed out and Luke laughed. "Glad someone thinks I'm funny," Han muttered, carrying on with the clearing out.

"Ew!" Luke yelled, jumping back, "jelly baby crushed into the floor!"

"Squishy," Wes commented on the problem, but didn't bother to do anything.

Ten minutes later, the clearing out was done.

"Done!" Luke announced happily, stating the obvious as the author had already written that. "Ow," Luke said as the author decided to hurt him with a load of boxes falling on him.

"Shouldn't bother the author, Lukie," Wes teased him. Luke looked grumpily

"What do we do now?" Han asked, looking around the empty room.

"Get drunk?" Wes suggested, Han and Luke sighed at their companion's stupidity.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" They heard a yell from the corridor and the scary Emperor burst in. "You're painting my lovely room... Lilac!"

"Yep," all three of the decorators' replied with a smile.

"But lilac is a horrible colour!"

"Yeah, we know Mr. Emp. But it's his sister's fault," Han told him, pointing at Luke. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be painting some room?" Han asked. The Emperor blushed and shut the door.

"Don't tell them I'm here, they'll whip me!" He cried, holding onto Han's shirt as he went down on his knees, pleading with the pirate.

"Oi! Ackbar! One's escaped!" Luke yelled and Ackbar soon crashed into the room.

"I wondered where you had gone, Palpatine!" He cried triumphantly, pulling the sobbing Emperor to his feet, "now, would you rather do an extra room or be whipped?" They left.

"Soooo..." Han began, "what do we do now?"

"I already said," Wes reminded him, "get drunk!"

"Shut up Janson," Han growled.

"Yes Solo."

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**Random?**


	4. Chapter 4, cleaning

**Hiya everyone. It's getting wierder... can't think of anything else to say...**

**Thanks for reviewing! **

**That's it...**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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Chapter 4, Cleaning

"I can't believe we have to clean all of the walls!" Wes moaned as they lugged a bucket each of an unknown solution back to the room.

"What is this stuff anyway?" Luke asked, looking in the bucket.

"Chemicals now move!" Han ordered the two corridor blockers (aka Luke and Wes).

"Hi, I came to help you guys," Hobbie said, suddenly appearing out of no where.

"Oh no," Han groaned, the room they were doing was very small, especially with the bed frame in it, which wouldn't fit through the door.

"That means yes," Hobbie decided, "it's sugar water by the way," Hobbie answered their question of what the solution was.

"Oh."

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"_Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning the wall!_" Luke sang as they rubbed the water-y stuff onto the walls. "_Don't know when we're gonna finish!"_

"Shut up Luke," Han muttered angrily.

_"But we're gonna do it anyway, cos we get money!"_

"Really, Luke, shut up," Han ordered.

_"Han tells me to shut up, but I know he doesn't mean it!"_

"Luke! I mean it, sing another line and you will have no head!"

"_I will have a head, cos Han's too slow to catch me!"_ Han chased Luke out of the room.

"How strange, I thought they loved each other," Wes commented as they ran off.

"Nah, Wes, that's Solo and Luke's _sister_," Hobbie reminded him.

"Oh! yeah, I get the two of them mixed up."

"Like Communism and Television?"

"Am I the only one who does that?" Wes asked, amazed.

"'Fraid so."

"Really? I'm special."

"No, Wes, the word is _insane_, got it?"

"Right, Luke is dead, don't worry about him," Han informed them all as he re-entered the room. The two others in the room gasped.

"Luke!" They cried as the sandy haired wonder walked into the room. "You're alive!"

"So is the Emperor, what's the big deal?" Luke asked, "Han killed me but this place makes you _come back to life_."

"Don't sing Lukie, you'll make Hanny-boy mad again," Wes warned Luke.

"Don't call me Lukie!"

"Don't call me Hanny-boy!"

"Hanny-boy? Sounds cute, you should keep it Han," Leia said, coming into the room and avoided a bucket.

"Is that saying you think I'm cute, Leia?" Han asked her with a wink, climbing up the step-ladder to reach the top of the wall.

"No," Leia snapped back.

"That means she does," Wes said in an audible whisper.

"I do not!" Leia defended herself.

"_Leia and Han, sitting in a tree, doing what they should not be! First comes love, then comes-"_ Hobbie, Luke and Wes sang.

"Do you lot ever shut up?" Han cut across them exasperatedly. Leia rolled her eyes and left again.

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"How many more people do you reckon will come and help us?" Luke wondered aloud as they carried on washing the walls, "we have to rinse it after we've washed it, remember."

"Blah, blah, blah, Lukie," Wes said and they all gave him a look.

"What the hell are you on about?" Han asked him.

"I'm just saying that what the can says is basically 'blah, blah, blah', and Lukie was going 'blah, blah, blah' to me as well, so really, I was saying 'blah, blah, blah' for two reasons!"

"Insane!" Hobbie concluded after a moment's stunned silence.

"True," Han agreed.

"What?" Luke asked as he had missed the whole thing and had just been copying what the other two were doing.

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"Are we done yet?" Luke whined after an hour of cleaning.

"Yes, go and get a bucket of clean water, Luke," Han ordered him, Luke hurried off, carrying the very full buckets.

"Since when did you become the leader of this little group, Han Solo?" Wes questioned him.

"Since now," Han snapped back.

"Yes, sir."

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"Right, so how do we go about this rinsing business?" Han asked when Luke got back, "do we just rub a layer of water on, or do we have to wash the walls down again and get all the bubbles off?"

"I say we just start painting now and just forget about it," Wes said, wanting the easy way so he could get his money quicker.

"Tough, this is what the bottle says we have to do, so that's what we're doing," Hobbie told him.

"Blah, blah, blah. So what?"

"So we do it," Hobbie snarled.

"I'll cry," Wes warned him.

"See if I care," Hobbie replied, turning his back on Wes.

"I won't be your friend."

"I never wanted to be your friend," Hobbie came back with.

"Wes, don't cry and be Hobby's friend, Hobbie, stop being mean to Wes," Han sorted out the argument immediately as he plunged his sponge into the bucket. "otherwise you both get a wet sponge in the face."

"See if I care," both of them sulked. A wet sponge hit them both in the face as Han and Luke hurled them.

"Get rinsing," Han ordered them.

Instead they had a sponge fight.

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"I'm wet now!" Luke moaned, pulling on his soaking t-shirt.

"You started it!" Wes accused him.

"No I didn't!"

"You threw the first sponge!" Hobbie joined in.

"Actually," Han put in, "it was you two acting like five year olds."

"What do you mean 'acting'?" Wes asked angrily.

"So you mean you are five?" Han asked in surprise.

"Sorry, that came out wrong," Wes excused it, "I'll try again. What do you mean 'acting like a five year old'!"

"That's better," Luke praised Wes's second question/answer type thing.

"Thought so," Wes smiled. "Now, shall we carry on and claim our money?"

"It's all about the money to you, isn't it Wes," Han said, shaking his head.

"You can talk Solo," Wes pointed out.

"True. Let's hurry this job along, I'm getting bored." A space-wasp suddenly flew in through the window.

"Arrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh! A space-wasp!" Wes, Hobbie and Luke all screamed, "kill it Han! Kill it! Kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it! Kill, kill, kill, kill!"

"It's just a space-wasp," Han pointed out as it landed on his head, Han swiped at it and it stung him. "Ow! Damn wasp! I'll get you for that!" Han started took off his shoe and stalked the wasp around the room, waiting for it to land as the others jostled for space on the chair which they had all jumped onto.

"Kill it, Han!" Luke hissed as the wasp landed on the plastic-covered floor. Han whacked it. The chair people cheered.

"Hang on," Han warned as they started to get off the chair, "it's not dead yet!" Han carried on hitting it with his shoe until it was crushed into the carpet.

"Is it dead?" Wes whispered.

"No, it just moved!" Han announced and hit the smush again, "there, dead. Hey, cool, you can see its sting!"

"I don't want to see its sting, Han, just get it outta here," Luke ordered him. Han walked over to the window, the dead wasp sitting on his shoes. He tipped it out the window.

"Can we carry on now?" Han asked.

"Okay!" The other three answered brightly.

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**Reviews are always welcome!**


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